Introspection

Things are going well. My loved one came through the surgery ok. I'm off to visit later today as I was unable to talk to them yesterday. Sorry that I don't expand on this, but I don't feel comfortable discussing it right now.

On another topic, I've been thinking about where things are going in my life. I enjoy my job, I have good friends, and no wife or kids. Hmm... Something missing there... I'm not sure why I don't really enjoy social outings. I'm uncomfortable, feel detached from the other people who are enjoying the time, and often are thinking about how soon I can escape. Some of it comes form being shy, but I know I can function in situations like that. My last job and current one requires me to speak to people I don't know and interact with them on a personal level. I get along fine, and have few problems.

What is it that make me feel more comfortable in the quiet of my house? I'm not agoraphobic. Actually I am claustrophobic to a degree (mostly things like going into small caves and culverts give me the willies) so it's not that. I enjoy the company of friends. I also enjoy quiet time. Some people need to have a tv or radio on in the background because the quiete bothers them. Not me. If I'm not watching or listening to it, I turn it off. Kind of annoys me actually.

I recently did a Myers-Briggs personality test and the reults was the same as one I took several years ago. I'm a Mastermind (INTJ) personality type. If you're interested in finding out your personality, check out this link. (Just a warning: this is a simple online test. It may not be very accurate. If you are truly serious about it, go to the Myers Brigg Foundation website and pay for one of their intensive tests. Well worth the time and money if you want to learn more about yourself and why you make the decisions you do.)

Masterminds are notorious for having poor love lives. It seems I'm living proof of it. As you read through the link I pasted in above, remember that this person is relating almost exactly how I think. It gave me shivers when I first read it. I could associate a lot of things I had done and why I had done them both in my personal life and work life.

Some of the things that jump out at me:

• "Masterminds do not feel bound by established rules and procedures, and traditional authority does not impress them, nor do slogans or catchwords." I've always had a thing against people who are in authority who are poorly suited to the job. And trust me, I've met lots. On the other side of the coin, the people who are good quickly earn my respect and cooperation.
• "Although they are highly capable leaders, Masterminds are not at all eager to take command, preferring to stay in the background until others demonstrate their inability to lead. Once they take charge, however, they are thoroughgoing pragmatists." Yup, done that a few times also.
• "Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.
  This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand."

That last point is hitting a little close to home. Pretty much explains the stuff I said about leaving social situations when I can. I'll have to work at it some more. I like who I am, but there are a few things I would like to change, just a little bit.